A Mortal Blow?

Ok, I admit, I thought I had this teaching thing in the bag. The past few days have shown me that I was very much mistaken. I have discovered that I am not as prepared to teach as I thought.

I'm finally able to sit and really THINK about what went wrong this week and at the end of last week. I realize what it is. Some of it stems from my having seen how my CCT interacts with the students, and picking up on that. What I failed to do, I think, was establish myself as an authority first.

Some of you may have heard the old adage: "Don't smile until winter break." I think it applies here, for what I didn't do. I got too into having fun. Too into answering their questions about me or chatting with them, and not enough time making them see me as someone to be obeyed and respected. I won't go into what happened on Friday in detail, but it threw me for a loop. I've been dwelling on it all weekend and into this week as I tried to figure out where I went wrong. And where I can improve my image and my authority over the class. It's strange to think that in just two weeks I'll be stepping out as the full-time teacher. My CCT may not even be in the classroom most of the time. But before that happens I need to get a handle on controlling the students. On Classroom Management.

I never thought I'd find myself having a problem with this.

I think that's what comes as such as shock to me. I shouldn't be. I always thought I was going to be something of a disciplinarian. And yet one class kind of walked all over me. My CCT had some really awesome suggestions though, and I'm going to try to implement those.

See, I think part of the problem is I get so caught up in teaching that I forget to think about the management. I get so caught up in getting the lesson across that I forget about the rest of it.

Which kind of is a pretty good segway into my next thing.

Today I taught a lesson that I thought would be pretty easy. But it felt like it wasn't. Not easy at all. Proportional figures. Similar figures. Stuff that's a pretty basic element of Geometry, and it was stumping the first two classes. Confounding them. They didn't get it at all. I had to ask myself honestly. "Is it me?" My CCT offered to teach the next class, and did it her way. She seemed to have better luck. I'm not sure why, because when she left the classroom to go take care of something, the kids began to voice that they didn't get it at all. Then I tried to teach it again fifth period, taking into account the changes to the way she taught it. The moment the class began to comment that they weren't getting it, that they didn't understand it, something happened to my confidence.

It went right out the window. I lost it after they said they couldn't understand it. I'm grateful that my CCT recognized what happened for what it was, and took over then. I wasn't shaking because at the time, I didn't recognize it for what it was. It was a blow to my confidence as a teacher, plain and simple. I had never had a lesson I taught be so universally....un-mastered. It shocked me. But as I talked to my CCT, I realized that it was a hard lesson, and all teachers face this from time to time. In fact, it lead to our first change to the lesson plans we had outlined for the week. We're going to rearrange the week so that the students can do a worksheet on it tomorrow, instead of a new lesson. It may not delay their quiz at all.

Still feel a little shaken, as far as my teaching ability goes, but thinking about it, considering what went wrong and thinking about what I can do to fix it...helps a lot. Still, the past week has given me a lot to think about and consider.

The Insanity and the Depressing

The past few days have been absolutely insane. Or so it feels, anyway. Between meetings, kids acting a little nuts, some personal odds and ends that needed to be dealt with, my head feels like it is positively spinning.

There is so much more to being a teacher. The odd thing is, I knew about a lot of it. I knew about the faculty meetings, the team meetings, the parent-teacher conferences, the club meetings, the side activities...(I haven't YET been asked to chaperone the upcoming school dances....but I figure it is only a matter of time, since my CCT is the sponsor for Student Council, who is sponsoring at least one of the dances.) My CCT plans to be absent this Friday for a personal day (I get the feeling that many of the teachers take personal days after report cards go out. I swear there were 2-3 teachers out in the team my CCT and I are a part of alone.) And on this Friday, we have a parent-teacher conference. Guess who gets to fly solo on his first time out. She has confidence in me, which makes me feel great. Doesn't do anything for my nervousness though.

Today was one of those rough days, where the kids were wound up and all the little insecurities they have kind of crept out to play. There was a lot of sniping and misbehaving going on, but I was amazed at how quickly my CCT dealt with it. And more to the point, how the kids responded. I guess that was something I was always worried about. I mean, if you get after a student, he hates you forever, right? But no, not true. They love her, and respect her. I can learn a lot from her. Especially on discipline.

The depressing part of the day was also something I realized a long time ago went hand in hand with teaching. The kids you teach end up seeing you as an adult they can trust. And sometimes, it is with their deepest, darkest secrets and problems. Now, I haven't had to deal with a student telling me something I would have to react to, that's already been done. But one of my favorite thorns in my side, (or, a student I like as a person, even if the student is difficult and lazy) was apparently the victim of abuse. Long story short, the full text of what this student is going through breaks my heart.

I wish I could do something for this student, but strickly speaking, I'm NOT supposed to know everything. So all I can do is to continue to treat the student as a valued member of the class, and pray it all turns out alright for her.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day. I can't wait.

Hey, I Didn't Put This Here.

Welcome to random titles that fit my mind oddly. I find myself greatly enjoying my internship, far more than I think I thought I would when I first found out it was a sixth grade classroom. The classes are wonderful, and I feel that I am connecting with more and more students each day. It seems a little weird though, in some ways. As I connect to each student, it almost seems like I am no longer connecting to others. Although, when I carefully consider the feeling, I realize that I am still connecting to the students, just as before.

The difference is, I'm not getting any new connections, or they come more rarely than before. There are a few students that, while I know their names, I have yet to get a smile or an acknowledgement out of them. I suppose this is natural, but it still makes me sad at times. Especially when I think about it and realize that a few of them rarely smile. It bothers me, I guess. Is this something all teachers experience? I know my CCT was sad to think about not being able to reach a certain student in her class, a student who was, eventually, transferred to a regular program, instead of an advanced class.

It's just something I thought about today, especially as I begin to take over more and more of the teaching responsibilities within the classroom.

Aside from random moments of introspection, my first full week seems to be off to a wonderful start.

What a day. I am grateful to be finally back in my classroom, and don't have to worry about another Intern seminar until the 29th of February. It means I can finally really get into the meat of my internship.

This is amazingly good news, because it means I can finally feel like a regular part of the classroom, instead of a guy that has, to date, not been there a full week yet. Next week, I'm going to be there all five days. I'm excited about it.

I also came up with a few really great ideas today. One, the advanced class is going to be studying Geometry. Look, I have some copies of Geometer's Sketchpad lying around. I talked to my CCT, and she agreed that we could try bringing my laptop in and play around with some of the ideas, maybe turn it into a fun little lesson or demonstration. We also talked about potential projects for the future. While I'm working with these students, I need to come up with some nifty project ideas.

More pressing though is the need to come up with their homework assignments for the next week, AND their daily practice. I think I'll work on this a little bit tomorrow. I discussed my SLIP proposal with her, and she likes the idea, so it sounds like I may already be well ahead of where I should be, time wise.

A Return, Followed Immediately By A Departure

So I went back to the school today for the first time since I called off sick. I know, I make it sound like I was gone for some amazingly huge chunk of time, rather than just the five days it actually was. But like I told my CCT today, it felt like I'd gotten only a one day vacation, instead of what was essentially a five day vacation. Not only that, I feel so behind too. I had originally intended to already have my induction plan almost totally finished by today.

Sadly, that was not to be. So I'll try and work on it tomorrow, and if it means I have to tote it home to finish it, I have to tote it home to finish it. Fortunately, my supervisor is very understanding, so I don't foresee any problems with doing so.

Today felt...weird. I think part of the reason it felt weird was that I'm starting to make a connection to the students. They were genuinely glad to see me, and glad I was feeling better. The neatest thing was that fifth period actually made me a get-well card. It was cute. Just a piece of paper with some random scribbles and everyone's name, but I was touched. There's a lot of good kids in my CCT's classes. Even the ones who aren't so good are, in their own way, great kids.

Now I have to prepare myself mentally and physically. I hate these POP seminars we have to go to. This stuff isn't going to work. You can't make me believe it will. Maybe for severe long term problems...but that's a maybe. Some kids don't respond to liberal pandering. Some respond to sarcastic snarking. To negativity.

Maybe that's one of my biggest complaints about the education system in this country. We try and treat everyone exactly the same. No one wins when we do that. If we treat everyone how they deserve to be treated, we acknowledge that some people deal with things in different ways. If my parents had ever said 'It is better to hit your brother than to explain your problem to him.' in a nice neutral or positive tone, I would've laughed in their face. But when they said, in a sharp, biting, sarcastic tone. "Yeah. It's a good idea to punch your brother because he broke something of yours." You felt more that what you'd done was wrong.

But no, we try and be neutral and even with everyone. Treat everyone the same. I won't even get started on the fact that a lot of times, people end up playing by entirely different sets of rules for dealing with one another.

More anger and bitterness tomorrow...after the seminar.

Five Days off, One Day of Rest

I feel so weird. I've had five days off, but I only feel like I really got one day off. Today. I didn't make it to my Internship on Thursday. I had the stomach flu. Been sick for four of the last five days. Well, two, really, but the other two were spent recovering and in pain, because I still couldn't eat much and I had...hurt my chest throwing up.
So I go back for my Internship tomorrow...and the weird thing is it feels like my first day again. Weird.

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